Life is weird. And difficult. Mostly frustrating. Very annoying.
I've been trying to make like...regular type posts for the last couple days but nothing doing.
Between painkillers making me either feel exhausted, having a hard time keeping both eyes open and other painkillers making me want to strangle...everyone...including me...well it just...yeah.
| The player. The moment. The masters. -- Posted by BalconyDive on Friday, March 24 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
I'm going to try to stop posting only about my Grandfather. I want this to be a place of bitching again and not sadness. Today was weird. I had this thing in the morning that I don't want to talk about, then it was off to Tinley Park for another interview at another Cartridge World. This one is also just opening, and I interviewed with the owner again. This guy is...Dominican I want to say. Either way he was kinda hard to understand. We (madre + me, I really need to get my fucking liscense) got there an hour earlier so we hit up Dairy Queen for some food, mostly because I was starving and all that was in the plaza was a McDonalds, DQ and Burrito place I can't remember the name of. McDonalds and Burritos were out because I was going to interview and farting would be bad. I remember DQ having excellent burgers though, so that was that. Except...this DQ has no burgers. Only hot dogs. And mostly Chili dogs. Those were out for the same reasons as burritos, the Mythbusters proved it. So, hot dogs and cheetos for lunch, we way overpaid considering we could have bought a pack of hotdogs and a big bag of chips for the same price. After eating there was still a half hour before my interview, so I'm looking out the window and chatting with my mother and I see this guy walking in and out of the Cartridge World. He's wearing the same kind of shirt as the guy I interviewed with last time so I assume "That must be the dude." He's walking in and out, in and out, taking pictures of the building and looks like he wants to leave as he's fucking around in his car, so I get up wash my hands and decide to head over early. Knock on the door (place hasn't opened yet, brown paper on the windows, locked door) and a construction worker opens the door. I ask for my guy, expecting the paceing white guy, but am introduced to my new dominican(?) friend. It turns out that that guy was...no one and I arrived in the middle of carpet laying (owner + other guy whose name I never caught). I talked to him for a second, apologizing for being early (What?) and saying I didn't want to interrupt anything. He suggested I hit Starbucks (next door) and we'd interview there. Informed madre of the new developments and chilled with her for about 15 minutes, then headed to the 'bucks. Got a coffee and grabbed the paper trying to be all inconspicuous and nonchalant and wait for this cat. Just as a note, on cold days don't order cold coffee when sitting in an air conditioned room. He comes in, we talk, and he almost seems into me. We joked about Ex-gov Ryan going to jail or not going to jail, and then he got into the real questions. The big sticking point? I have no expierence. Aaaaaaaah! How is a person supposed to get their exp up when no one wants anyone with any? I mean, he really seemed to dig me up until that last part. Then I got the "well I'm interviewing a lot of people for three positions" bullshit. I think I endeared myself to him by mentioning my want to open my own business and how I would love the chance to work right under an active entrepreneur. We'll see, huh? In other news, I think I'm getting a Creative Zen Vision: M mp3 player with some of the insurance money. Mother (benificiary) decided to buy me an mp3 player with some of it, buy something for my sister, and put the rest up. I'm comparing and contrasting new stuff that doesn't start with iP and and in od. 
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| Now, Mr Worf. -- Posted by BalconyDive on Tuesday, March 21 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||
Can we borrow $15,000 until this is cleared up? All cleared up. (also, cold doughnuts are awesome)
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| I'm gonna show you how it's done! -- Posted by BalconyDive on Tuesday, March 21 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||
Can someone explain to me why Verne Gagne is going into the WWE Hall of Fame? He never worked for the WWE in any capacity and, in fact, was in competition with them when he was busy destroying the AWA (or, so I'm lead to believe. I don't remember). This is like inducting Lawrence Taylor into the Arena League Hall of Fame (do they have one?). Same sport, but completley different leagues. Eh. So, today was the funeral. It's amazing how many people I didn't know that showed up. His brother (who doesn't have rickets, which can't be fair) and his sons, some friends of his from where he lived. I hesitate to put girlfriends, but they way the one was mourning it makes me wonder. My grandfather was a pimp even at his age? Anyway, he looked great. I mean, he looked like at any second he could sit up and say "Just messin' with you!" I couldn't not think of the Pharoh To Remember episode of Futurama (You've convinced me that life is worth living, by showing me how much my funeral will suck!) Some random preacher guy talked and read something from Psalms and...some other stuff. I really wasn't listening. The Christian ideas of death and heaven just...disturb me. I can't put my finger on it, but I'd rather not think about it if I can avoid the whole thing. The cemetary was freezing, preacher guy rushed through some more words, read the poem we put in his rememberance card thing and that was that. It really hit me when we were at the home and watched them close the casket. I still didn't cry, which is not bragging, I just didn't. I may have a problem there. Fucking emotions. So, that's that. Later this week we start cleaning out his apartment. Thursday I have a job thing I expect nothing to come out of. (Did I mention that I had an excellent interview last Friday, but didn't have the expierence they wanted? Seriously, the woman loved me. If I ever had a single job before I'd be employeed now.) We've got doughnuts and coffee cake and pie and cake just...everywhere. I feel like all I've done for the last few days is eat sleep and swallow emotion. We're going to pretend that's abnormal in some way. This whole thing is disjointed, but I'm not cleaning it up. To hell with it. Mark offered to buy me dinner when he was headed through town a couple days ago but I couldn't take him up on it. Had to go to Wal*Mart (I felt appropriatley dirty afterwards) for a black shirt and tie then do dinner with my Virginia relatives. Next time I'll have to take him up on it. Mostly because I could use a copy of Thriller. Go through this enough times and you'll find something worth reading somewhere. Next week begins again the random and sporatic updates about nothing where I whine and bitch about how much I hate me life and blah blah blah.
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| There's a leak in the boiler room -- Posted by BalconyDive on Sunday, March 19 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||
I haven't slept more than an hour straight since yesterday morning. What that has led to is me being in a fog all day today. Things I swear I did, I didn't. Things I don't remember doing I did. I left the dogs outside (it's kinda cold) for ever because I thought they were sleeping in the other room. We (read: my mother) set up the services and burial for Monday and I think everyone is going back to work Tuesday. I have to go to his house some time this week and go through his computer files and find anything that might be deemed important and trash his games and stuff so his daughter can take the machine. I feel really bad because I was coveting it while we were setting that up. I keep wanting to make a whole post all about my grandfather and how he (accidently) got me into computers when I was small and how he actually showed me that people can change, which is a lesson I let myself forget, but I can't bring myself to do it. He also (accidently, again) introduced me to real porn when I found a bunch on floppy discs. Just suffice it to say, 98% of my memories of him are good. My uncle (who lives in Virginia) and his family (wife, kid) got here today but I was too tired and in too much pain to go see them and have dinner (pizza). Since I skipped that I'll go see them tomorrow and have...food of some kind I'm sure. I hate eating with people. I feel like a slob and I'm sure they're all watching me. I just downed some SleepII, so I should sleep the night tonight. Tomorrow will be visiting and catching up with someone I have nothing in common with and Monday is the funeral. Beyond that I guess I have to move on. Back to the fruitless job search and...well that's about all I do now. I want to thank the people who have sent me messages and emails of condolence. It was appreciated wether it seemed like it or not.
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| -- Posted by BalconyDive on Friday, March 17 2006 | ||||||||||||||||
gone this morning 3:30am
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| You fit the description. -- Posted by BalconyDive on Friday, March 17 2006 | ||||||||||||||
Without going into too much detail, she signed the hospice papers today. Everyone is talking like he's already gone and I can't wrap my head around that. Every once in a while they'll catch themself and apologize and preface their remarks with "I hate to say it like this" or something similar. My mom is is just not handling this well, but she has to pretend she is. She's the oldest and only responsible one there is. Signing papers that effectivley say "don't bother trying to save him" (first a DNR, then the stuff to move him to the hospice unit). I'm trying to give her a wide berth when she needs it but then be there when she needs that but even that's hard to figure. The thing though is that today he seemed alright (to me). We talked, he told us expressley that he didn't want that damn rebreather on his face (I completley understand, I hate them too) and...just seemed ok. But I know that under that he's wasting away. It's just hard.
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| quietly pour out like light -- Posted by BalconyDive on Thursday, March 16 2006 | ||||||||||||
Exactly what I knew would happen happened last night. Dreams about death, god & my grandfather. Including one that was a commercial for some game wherein you were God-god (not Black & White crap) and decided everything from sending Jesus to interfering with the daily minutia of people. This was, by far, the scariest thing ever.
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| Unlimited messaging to ANYONE! -- Posted by BalconyDive on Thursday, March 16 2006 | ||||||||||
What did I do today...what did I do... Lets see, upon waking up I found out the people behind me let their dogs get out, as they have no fence of their own and just the three pieces of the neighbors fence you'd think this would be a more common occurance, but it's really not. So their dogs get out, run around the block, and end up peeing on the tree in front of my house. While normally this wouldn't be a problem my dogs noticed their presence and decided to be very vocal about it. I honestly thought they would go through the front window of the house and since I know Pestilence can leap our front fence given the right motivation I couldn't let them out back until they moved on. This means for what felt like forever I had to listen to a big hoarse dog and a tiny giant balled dog bark and bark and bark and...you get the picture. Checked the job sites (nada), watched some Next Generation, ate...something...then heard my sister come home pretty early. 'Bout a half hour later her cell phone rings, couple minutes later she hands it to me and I don't want to take it. I knew a) who was on the other end (my mother) and b) what she was going to say. She was at the hospital where my grandfather has been for the last week. As soon as I put the phone to my ear I hear her crying. He's just not going to make it the doctors say. He's getting worse and worse. Threw on some clothes, grabbed my jacket, coaxed the cat out of the closet to close my bedroom door and headed to the Heights. I hate this stuff. I can't do this stuff. Hospitals, people hooked up to tubes, people so out of it they may or may not recognize you when you walk in the room (he almost did). I was left alone in the room with him for a couple of minutes while the mother went to see to the sister and the baby and it was all I could do to not freak out. Sister came in and the two of us stood there in silence, occasionally whispering to each other about how bad he looks and how much it's crushing my mother until I just couldn't be in the room anymore. Relieved the mother watching the baby and let them be in with him, when they came out the sister was obviously just finished bawling. I mean, I really can't do this stuff. Knowing he's almost gone (and if I was ever in denial, which I was, being in the room solidified it for me) calls and decisions are being made. Cremation or burial? Where's my uncle & his family going to stay when they come up when it happens? Listening to the two of them talking about this stuff just makes me feel like I'm going insane. One minute they're normal, the next they're obviously trying not to cry. Me? Well I can't and don't cry, instead I go insane. Right now I'm eating danishes and throwing down cokes like I haven't eaten in a week. I'm not hungry. I'm avoiding the bed and sleep because I know what awaits me there. Tomorrow everyone is meeting at his place to go through papers and figure stuff out. I voluntered to go back Friday and spend the day organizing if needed. By Saturday I'll be a complete mess, but no one will be allowed to see it but the dogs. Then I came home and watched The Shield marathon on Spike and made a bunch of joke posts on a bunch of message boards. I'm a complicated person, no?
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| -- Posted by OtterVomit on Monday, March 13 2006 | ||||||||
 NO REPAIRMAN AM ISo I have a friend who has a laptop - or perhaps I should say she had a laptop - and she spilled milk all over it, which caused it to make funny noises and die. "Well, I'm a computer geek so I'll come take a look at it" is what I said to her. And thus I made it so, ready to try and clean this poor machine up with q-tips and salene. First off, I have not opened up a laptop in quite some time. I would just like to ask computer makers exactly HOW THE FUCK they build these things? Since when did computers become assembled by nanites?? I remember when parts were, you know, able to be seen by the naked eye. Now it seems these machines are built in labs where Dennis Quaid equivalents are shrunken along with robotic capsules and sent off to construct. Anyway, I didn't fix shit and I think the thing is shorted out. I sent her to the Geek Squad and left with the stigma of FAILURE. RELIGOUS ZEALOT CONTINUES TO POST HIS SCRIPTURES ALL OVER THE NET The Fool vs The Wise The Fool Long is the night to the sleepless; long is the road to the weary traveler. Long is worldly existence to those who suffer. Should a traveler fail to find a companion who is better or equal, rather than suffer the company of a fool, let him resolutely pursue a solitary course. "I have children, I have wealth." These are the claims of the unwise. Indeed, when he does not even own himself, how is he to claim children and wealth as his own? A fool who knows his foolishness is wise at least to that extent, but a fool who thinks himself wise is a fool indeed. Though all his life a fool associates with a wise man, he no more comprehends the Truth than a spoon tastes the flavor of the soup. Though only for a moment a discerning person associates with a wise man, quickly he comprehends the Truth, just as the tongue tastes the flavor of the soup. The unwise man, lacking in understanding, behaves as if he were his own wrost enemy, commiting evil deeds, the fruits of which are bitter. It is unwise to perform actions that bring regret, and require repentance, to cause suffering for oneself, to bring about weaping tears. It is wise to perform actions that do not require repentance, but bring joy and fulfillment, happiness and delight. Until he feels the effect, the fool delights in his evil deed, its taste as sweet as honey. But when the evil deed ripens, the fool harvests nothing but grief. Truly, an evil deed committed does not immediately bear fruit, like milk that does not turn sour all at once. But smoldering, it follows the fool like fire covered by ashes. The things a fool gains amount to nothing. Unwholesome acts cannot bear wholesome fruits. What a fool hungers for is fame, authority, power over others, and generous offerings. He seeks recognition as a doer, a weilder of power, a knower of right and wrong, his cravings and pride are insatiable. The Wise Should one find an intelligent man who is skillfully able to point out shortcomings and gives suitable proof, let him cherish such a revealer of hidden treasures. Only good can come from such an association. Let the wise one guide, correct and shield other from what is base and vile. He, indeed, will be treasured by the good and spurned by the evil. Do not associate with evil companions; do not seek the fellowship of the vile. Associate with the good friends; seek the fellowship of noble persons. He who drinks deep the truth, lives happily with a tranquil mind. The wise man ever delights in the truths made known by the Buddha. Irrigators contain the flowing rivers; arrowsmiths fashion arrows; carpenters shape the wood; the wise mold their characters. Just as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm, even so the wise are not affected by praise or blame. Just as a deep lake remains clear and still, so do wise men listening to the teachings, attain a serene mind. The good certainly cling to nothing. They do not talk aimlessly, concerned with personal gains. The wise show no elation or depression when touched by happiness or sorrow. He is indeed virtuous, wise, and righteous who neither for his own sake nor for the sake of another commits any evil deed, who does not crave for sons, wealth, or kingdom, and does not desire success by unjust means. Few among men are those who cross to the farther shore and abandon worldy gains. The rest, the bulk of men, only run up and down the shore of the stream. The wise man shuns confusion, lighting his path with truth. Let him leave the comfort of home, forsake sensual pleasures, freeing himself from all obstacles, delighting in seclusion, attaining calm so hard to achieve. Giving up sensual pleasures, with no attachment, let the wise man cleanse himself of defilements of the mind. Those who have carefully cultivated their minds, who, without grasping, delight in detachment, rid of cravings, rid of corruption, glowing with wisdom, they are a light upon the world.
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| BANZAI!! -- Posted by BalconyDive on Thursday, March 9 2006 | ||||||
Dear Television Executives: Ladies and Gentlement of Television, as an adult American male I have enjoyed your product for as long as I can remember. Between days recovering from various things and other slothful behaviors or the regular friendless nerd I have probably spent more hours watching television than any other single activity I can think of. However recently there has been a problem. You see, as of recent most networks have taken to running "promos" across the bottom of the screen while programs are playing. Not only are these things visually distracting, what with random women running across the screen while something dramatic plays out during the actual "show" or the occasional brightly colored explosion in the middle of a black and white feature, but they have also become audibly annoying. Why, just today I was watching something on G4 and a large spaceship (the Enterprise-D to be specific) flew in from the bottom left and shot at another ship (I believe it was a Borg cube, but that's not the point) causing it to explode. This entire process was accompanied by an incredible amount of noise which caused me (and surely anyone else watching in their homes) to miss dialogue. While this would have been enough to cause complaint not a half of an hour later yet another on screen "promo" appeared. This time with a man screaming "Banzai!". The strange thing was that this mans scream almost seemed timed to disturb as much show audio as possible. As a loyal TV viewer I'm going to have to request that you CUT THIS SHIT OUT before I hire a crew to firebomb your offices. A fan who can't hear: Yes, I am bored, how did you guess?
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| I'll be in the back and I don't need the help. I'm good here in the back, I'm good all by myself. -- Posted by BalconyDive on Tuesday, March 7 2006 | ||||
Aw, [bd], you're so pessimistic. I bet if you give it a chance you'll do fine. Bullshit and fuck you.  I quit. I have no interest or intention on finding a job any time soon. 3 interviews, I shall now break them down for you. 1.) For some reason...was a job working in a plant and not an IT job at all. What? Whatever, waste of time and I bolt early. On the way out...almost got hit by a car. My sisters car. I should have taken this for the omen it was came home taken off my tie and gone to bed. 2.) Tube people. Guy who's supposed to do the interview is...gone somewhere. Meeting. Whatever his #2 will do it. Go into a spare offince in the back (instead of up the stairs, though I volunteered to do just that). I think the guy interviewing me was dead. The chair I was sitting in was weirdly sloped backwards. Talked to him for oh...20 minutes? He obviously doesn't dig me, but I try my best to shine. Questions like "How good are you with access" to which I respond "Well I taught myself years ago to help my mother at her old job and have only gotten better since. I made her some templates and showed her some shortcuts, things like that, but have no reason to use it in my every day life." Interview over, chances of employment: 0 to -50. 3.) Home theater people. The guy is way cool. Compared himself to Bush and made me laugh (I want to be the dumbest guy in here, surround yourself with smart people, like Bush). The interview was going great, all laughing and talking about what they do, until he dropped the massive bomb. He's looking for someone with much AutoCAD expierence and, if necessary, would rather take someone who knows none of what I know and teach them my knowledge instead of teaching someone who knows what I know AutoCAD. Makes perfect sense, but still hurt like a bitch.  So to home I go (to SubWay I go, then to home) and one of the women from "school" calls. Blah blah she's going to talk to them and call me tomorrow. Fine, I have other things to do anyway (not really).About an hour later she calls back. She's on speaker but I pretend not to notice. Turns out she called the tube people who told her, and I'm quoting, "I'm not enthusiastic enough." The fuck? I know I'm like...not a guy who's doing cartwheels and shit but when the interviewer may well be dead what do you want me to do? I gave the impression that I didn't want to be there? I told him, specifically, this is EXACTLY the kind of job I want to do and what I want to do for life (only eventually for myself). Fucking asshole. Of course since I'm on speaker I'm actually talking to like 3 women, all of whom are now going to talk to me (at once) about how I need to be more enthusiastic about fixing peoples computers and not give the impression that I don't use Access every day. Who uses Access for personal stuff? Cataloging DVDs? That's stupid and I hate you. I'm so horrible I need to go in next Thursday for a "mock interview". Bullshit, I'll be calling that morning to cancel. I think i'll have the flu. Or a toothache. The saddest thing, and there are many sad things, is that the chickie in charge tried to engage me in conversation to show me how to be enthusiastic when talking about...stuff. She asked me what kind of music I listen to, when I replied "All kinds of stuff" that wasn't good enough so she had to refocus. What was the last album you listened to (that's not how I listen to music) so I started in with the lies. I listened to The Spine by TMBG because they're fun. Oh, uh, I was probably playing LoZ at the time. Oh, sure I guess I'm a gamer, not as hardcore as some though. Yeah, Gamecube. To all of this she replied "That's what you need to be!" It took all my effort not to a) throw the phone 2) laugh my ass off and tell her how forced and fake all that was. Apparently she now thinks I'm (clinically) depressed. (I wish people would stop with that.) I'm simply me and really don't care to fake enthusiasm about whatever. I certainly will not be discussing my passions (if I have any...do I have any?) with someone I just met 3 minutes ago like they're my bestest buddy in the whole world since 3rd grade. So, yeah, I give up. Trying too hard: I don't get the job, being me: I don't get the job and I suck, being somene else: out of the question. So, I quit. Cookies & Porno, WrestleMania & video games, then eventual suicide.
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| Reason is the enemy of Faith, my friends. -- Posted by BalconyDive on Monday, March 6 2006 | ||
Phone interview people called later that day. Luckily I was walking passed the phone when it rang. The interview consisted of: Some guy: Looking for a job? So now I have an interview Tuesday. I also have two other interviews Tuesday, which means I'll be bouncing from one place to another all day. 11p.m. 1p.m. 2:30 p.m. If I had a life, this schedule would straight fuck it up. And on top of everything else this means I need a haircut something fierce. Currently I look like a less militant, but no less angry, Huey Freeman. There was something else, I think it was food related, but I have like 6 episodes of TNG on my DVR and 4 Shields, plus NewsRadio Season 3 can't be watched enough times, these things are going to take up the majority of the rest of my day when I should be researching these companies. I'll most likely update again tomorrow with a) how things went (preview: Badly!) & b) a review of Cell (preview: half good).
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| I caught a hundred pound sturgeon on a twenty pound test -- Posted by BalconyDive on Friday, March 3 2006 |
So today I was supposed to have a "phone interview" with...some guy from some place. Who cares, they never bothered to call me so I sat the whole day with both my phones at arms length and kept kicking the dogs out of the room lest they make some noise and just tank my big big chances at an entry level job some place just inside the city. On the plus side: 1.)I bought a new shirt today. The IT Crowd is about the greatest show ever and you should find torrents of it and watch it. Also you can revel in the irony of the show being all DRM'd out on the official website and one of the main characters having a sticker saying "Fair Use has a Posse!" 2.) I chopped part of Danzigs one hit song out to make a ring tone for when my mother calls me. I also put the intro to Final Countdown on there because I'm a dork. 3.) Penn & Teller: The Game! We all know what I'll be doing tomorrow.
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