GEORGE KIRK:
Dude! A thunderstorm in space!

 

NERO:
Hello. I am not Shinzon, I promise! But send over
your captain, anyway, just like the last movie!

CAPTAIN:
Be right there!

SHUTTLECRAFT:
ZOOOOOOOOOM!!
 

NERO:
Hello, again. We are from a future so far advanced
beyond your understanding that we keep spears on board.

CAPTAIN:
I don’t get your point.

NERO:
You do now. RRAAAWWWRRRR!
 

INT. BRIDGE OF THE USS KELVIN:

GEORGE:
Where’s Winona?

CREWMAN:
She’s not on until a few more scenes.

GEORGE:
Not Ryder. I mean my wife.

CREWMAN:
She’s about to give birth.

GEORGE:
Oh, that’s right. That’s why I didn’t leave her at home, but insisted
she come on this dangerous, dangerous mission. Oh well, I am going to
ram this ship which is not the Enterprise right into that ship
which is not the Scimitar.

BABY KIRK:
Here's a line in this movie you should get used to: Waaah!

BULLY:
Hey, Spock. I am going to taunt you so that you beat me up.

SPOCK:
Sounds good.

 

SAREK:
Hello, son. You can be whatever you want to be.

SPOCK:
Wouldn’t it be more dramatic if, instead, I had to make
my own way in the universe alone, without the love and
support of my father, until I had so proven my abilities that I
found peace within?

SAREK:
That’s the old storyline. We’re giving it to Kirk.

SPOCK:
Damn! Say, why did you marry mom?

SAREK:
Because she’s Winona Fucking Ryder, what do you think?

SPOCK:
Ah! Money!

 

JIM KIRK:
Ha haaaa! Here I am, just like Picard, zooming through Iowa’s
famous desert while fleeing the moisture farm ran by Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru!

POLICE:
Pull over!
 

JIM KIRK:
Look at me defy authority! Oh, no, I’m headed right for one of the humongous
canyons that Iowa is also so famous for.

JIM KIRK:
Oh, no! I am hanging by my fingers on this precipice!

POLICE:
What’s your name?

JIM KIRK:
My name is James Tiberius Kirk! And you’re supposed to have
sympathy for me because I’m an unhappy youth!

 

JIM KIRK:
Now I’m an unhappy 20-year-old.

UHURA:
I’m not going to tell you my first name. There is no possible way you can ever guess.
If you do then I will spin straw into gold.

JIM:
Damn! Say, why are all these Starfleet people in this Iowa bar?

UHURA:
Because we build Starships in Iowa these days.

JIM:
I thought we just banged farm animals.

UHURA:
You still do. Have you read the script?

CUPCAKE:
Hey I'm going to try and impress Uhura, farm boy!

Kirk:
Oh me too, Cupcake, let's fight!

 

PIKE:
Kirk, I looked up your MySpace. You’re an angry, unbalanced, brooding genius.
That’s just what Starfleet is looking for. Starfleet, and the Taliban.

JIM:
Why are you talkin' to me maaaaaan? I will never sign up! NEVER!

 

JIM:
Sign me up!

BONES:
Hi. My name is McCoy. I just got divorced. Have sympathy for my character.

JIM:
Only if you see how angry and brooding I am.

BONES:
All right. Say, all I have left are my bones.

JIM:
HAW!! I'll call you that from now on!

 

JIM:
Well, I am now graduating. I did it in three years, too! I am a genius.
Yet I am still going to cheat. This is yet another positive character trait
for an angry, brooding genius.

BONE:
Yuh huh.

JIM:
Excuse me. I have to go now and "study." By which I
mean have strange alien sex.

BONES:
What makes it strange? Because she’s green?

JIM:
No, because she does it without taking her underwear off.
Wow! Look at Uhura’s rib cage!

 

JIM:
This is one good apple. Mmm! In fact, it might be symbollic of forbidden knowledge.
I have discovered that I can win by changing the rules. Look at what a douche I am everyone!

SPOCK:
I hate you.

JIM:
I hate you, too.

MCCOY:
I like both of you, my character is totally intact!

 

UHURA:
Hey Spock, you assigned me to the Farragut! I should be assigned to the
Enterprise because I inherently deserve it! I want it fixed
NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!

SPOCK:
I yield to your breaking the chain of command.

PIKE:
Kirk, you’re not supposed to be here! Get off my sh--Wait, Kirk, you’re now first officer.

ADMIRAL AKBAR:
It’s a trap!

KIRK:
What he said.

PIKE:
For no good reason, I believe you. I guess we will raise shields and go anyway.

CHEKOV:
Ve are here! Our sheeps are gone, sir!

NERO:
Hi Christopher! I am not Shinzon, I swear! But come on
over, anyway, just like before.

PIKE:
Hmmm! The last time we did that, he killed the
Kelvin’s captain. Therefore, I will go.

SHUTTLE:
ZHHHHOOOOM!

PIKE:
You ain’t gonna spear me are you?

NERO:
No. Even though we have now completely demolished Starfleet, and even though
we have technology at least 100 years more advanced than your own, we are
going to keep you alive to, oh, I guess give us some codes or passwords or something.


PIKE:
Say, why don’t you just use the famous Romulan
cloaking device and destroy Vulcan and Earth without anyone knowing?

NERO:
Um . . . uh . . .

 

JIM:
Vulcan’s not so bad. In fact, it’s just like Iowa. For example, here
I am again, hanging by my fingertips on another precipice.

SULU:
Why don’t they just shoot this sucker from orbit instead
of lowering it like a fish hook?

JIM:
Don’t ask questions! Don’t you want to have a sword fight?

SULU:
Oh, no! Vulcan is collapsing! They must have shot red matter into its core!

JIM:
Weren’t you watching? It wasn’t red matter. Uhura fell down in there.
She’s sucking all of Vulcan!

NERO:
HAHA!!! Now onto Earth for no reason!

 

CHEKOV:
I vill now leave my post during this crisis, contrary to
all regulations, so dat I ken beam dem oop. Den I
vill disappear becuz I only hef three lines and dat is dat.
 

CHEKOV runs down the corridor.

CHEKOV:
Move bisch, get out da vay! I kin do dat!

TRANSPORTER:
Zhhhhhoooom!

KIRK:
Good work!

SPOCK:
Welcome back. Now, get off the ship!

 

KIRK:
Holy crap, that bastard Vulcan shot me down here
inside a Magic 8-Ball.

GARY MITCHELL:
Hello, Jim. Like my contact lenses?

KIRK:
Wait this can't be Delta Vega, we are right next to Vulcan!

KHAN:
This is not Delta Vega! This is Delta Vega FIIIIIIVE!!!

KIRK:
Oh okay!

SPOCK:
Welcome, Jim, darling. Here, let me touch your mind.
I must speak to you of red matter. Our minds are one.

KIRK:
Wow! All these images flashing through my mind. With narration.
What a great exposition. Too bad it comes 40 minutes late.
So this is really a parallel reality, huh?

SPOCK:
Yes. Which means I get to grow a beard and use the Tantalus Field.

KIRK:
What?

SPOCK:
Never mind. Mr. Scott is marooned here, too.
He pissed off that lame Captain from the last series.

KIRK:
Wow this is the de-facto place to strand people
when you are mad at them, huh?

SCOTTY:
Oot wee yew weall.

KIRK:
Wow, and I thought Chekov talked funny.
Can we go back to the old accents?

SPOCK:
Go, now. I must remain here.

JIM:
Why?

SPOCK:
You didn’t see the rest of the ice cave. Luke Skywalker
is hanging upside down in there.

KIRK:
All right Scotty, let's beam onto a warping ship
that is millions of miles from here!

SCOTTY:
Skeet, weah moog?

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON:
Huurrrr???

TRANSPORTER:
Zhoooom!
 

BACK ON THE ENTERPRISE

 

JIM:
All riiiight! I’m in a brewery! . . . Oh., wait.
It’s an engine room. I think. Mr. Scott, why is
there so much plumbing on such an advanced ship?

SCOTTY:
Aye, blargh, hoot. (Translated: Everyone always
complains that they never see a restroom on this ship.
Well, here is our sewer plant.)

CHEKOV:
Veeveeveewagah wictor wictor! (Translated: Can
I use the waterslide next?)

 

SPOCK:
Wait a minute, here. Nero is incredibly advanced.
How do we know that what we see is actually reality? The
more I think about it, his fantastic ship just looks like a lot
of over-the-top CGI.

SULU:
No, Mr. Spock. It’s real. Just look towards the
front of the bridge and look out the window.

SPOCK:
Ah, yes. Wipers on full.

JIM:
Hello, Spock. I am back. Your mom is Winona
Ryder and she has a fantastic rack.

SPOCK:
You dirty so and so!

 

JIM:
HAHA! Now I am captain! I have taken command
through duplicity and betrayal.

UHURA:
I'm treating you with the disdain you deserve.

JIM:
Go blow a Vulcan.

SPOCK:
Smooth move, Jim! Now I get the
first inter-racial kiss!

UHURA:
Yummy yum yum! Kirk, are you jealous?

JIM:
Nope. But I’ve got bad news. You’re not going to
get to second base for seven years.

TRANSPORTER:
Zhoooom!

NERO:
Kirk! Spock! You have come to my ship to save your captain
at the end of the movie, even though I am not Shinzon and you are not Data.

JIM:
How come your head is perfectly shaved, but your face is full of stubble?

CHAKOTAY:
Nice tatoos, though.

MIKE TYSON:
Very nice, indeed!

SPOCK:
I am taking old Spock’s paddlewheel starship and all of its red matter.
Red matter, as everyone knows, is an extremely volatile, dangerous substance.
That is why it can only be transported in a special ship that flips around violently.

NERO:
Oh no! They rammed my ship again! I'm doooooooooomed!!!
And I'm still not Schinzon!!

EARTH: INT. STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS

JIM:
Well, it all worked out fine.

ADMIRAL PIKE:
Except here I am in a wheelchair. BEEP BEEP

BIGSHOT HEAD OF STARFLEET:
Ensign James T. Kirk, because you were a stowaway on the Enterprise,
disobeyed direct orders and led a mutiny against Commander Spock,
we are giving you the Enterprise, our best ship. Congratulations!
We’d serve champagne, but you’re not 21 yet.

YOUNG SPOCK:
Are you my father?

OLD SPOCK:
No, I am old you. Be friends with Kirk because if you don't you'll miss
out on exciting things like being killed by Khan.

YOUNG SPOCK:
Oh okay, thanks.  Nice beard.

THE END.