August 2005

Sleeping In The Flowers -- Posted by BalconyDive on Monday, August 29 2005

if I didn't know better I'd think I was up to something

Off Topic -- Posted by BalconyDive on Tuesday, August 23 2005

Warning: Stream of conciousness posting below. Spelling errors and erratic thoughts will result Continue at own risk. I should be working right now. I have a presentation to give (next) Wednesday, I'm the lead on it, I speak the most, and it pretty much lives and dies by me and one other guy. I voluntered to be the one to get together the bulk of the material into a 3/4 done draft to present to the rest of the group tomorrow, where we will go over it, tweak it, they will give me feedback, and I will have the next couple of days to finalize it before the presentaion. Instead, I'm listening to Law & Order (and not even following it), browsing OiNK for music, and playing with the dogs. I think I took my Darvocet twice because my brain is completly fucked. A second ago my eyes were watering to the point that it looked like I was crying and I thought I was going to vomit. I'm going to have to sit here all night and probably some of tomorrow morning and actually work on this thing. It's supposed to be the biggest grade we get, not that this is a real school. Sometimes I wish I hadn't given up on my life years ago and gone to a real college. If anyone out there is in high school, just graduated high school, or even just in limbo and making a decision on what to do, do NOT do what I did. It's just not good. ITT Tech is not a god damn school. What they teach is fucking terrible when they actually teach it, not that they ever actually teach it. No, instead they give you a book, a book full of errors (which you have to find half the time because some of the instructors don't notice or know) that is laid out in a nonsensical fashion (to understand chapter 4, you have to have read chapter 8 & 9, but to read chapter 9 you have to have read chapter 5) and the teachers basically read it, then tell you to do the questions at the end. Very Jr High. Then there's a lame lab assignment. Assuming the buildings internet is up, the computers are working, & the (ONE RACK! For the whole building! ONE!) routers work. If you're lucky enough to get a decent instructor, they'll actually teach you how to do the hands on stuff, but more likely they'll give you a walk through which you'll follow and hopefully gleam some understanding from while the instructor sits at their desk talking to other instructors or the schools "SysAdmin" (who does nothing but walk around the building angry because he may have to do work.) Jesus man. If I had a genie and one wish I would just want to go back to somewhere around 1997 and live from that point on again, but knowing of my mistakes. It's not that I didn't know they were mistakes at the time, I just didn't know they were so bad and so irreversible. I never ever thought I would end up at this shitty fucking school. As it is I'm only doing it so I can have some kind of piece of paper saying I know something. Stepping back, looking at my life, it's the single most depressing thing I can think of. Back when I was going to the shrink he asked me why I tried to kill myself, then he didn't listen to the answer, so I just said something along the lines of "I don't know, I can't really explain it." But what I was thinking was, "There is absolutley no reason for me to be alive." When I left him that night I sat in the back seat of the car with my headphones in listening to some Smashing Pumpkins and trying my hardest to imagine a scenario where my life could get better. Took about a half hour to get home, I got nothing. I know this all sounds like the standard emo livejournal bullshit people post trying to get comments and emails from people telling them how much they love them and sympathy and stuff, but honestly I'm not doing that. I didn't even mean to do this, it just kinda came out. These drugs make me type. It's weird. This started as a post on a message board about shirking responsibilities. Weird. Anyway, I'm going to go install outlook on the sisters comuter, then lay down. There will be no crying, but there probably should be. Instead of that pussy shit I'll watch last nights Raw and play Death, Jr. It's cool becasue no one will read this and we never got that comments box working so even if they did, they couldn't comment. Ha. I win.

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I Want To Disappear -- Posted by BalconyDive on Monday, August 15 2005

Another day, another doctors office. Again with the 'pain management' bullshit. Basically, what they do (or at least attempt to do) is take someone who lives with chronic horrible pain, pill them up, and reduce it to livable functional pain. Sadly, because everyone in charge of this country is an idiot, they are not allowed to use actual chrnoic in order to get this done. Boo. Todays visit was something special though. A first. The fellow (that's his title) actually understood that a) I've been in chronic pain my entire life and 2) nothing has worked for any serious amount of time to fix it. Before this cat, I was positive doctors didn't even listen to people when they talked. To make a long story short, as of tomorrow I'm on Darvocet and some other stuff. I expect...no changes. Have I mentioned recently that I NEED A FUCKING JOB?

My life sucks #428 -- Posted by BalconyDive on Saturday, August 6 2005

Thursday night (or Friday morning, depending on how you view these things) I was filling a bottle up with water in the kitchen sink. As I was doing so, CuJo decided to lay at my feet. Why does he do that? Dunno, but he does it every single time. Since it was dark and my eyes are for shit from spending 30 hours a day in front of computer monitors I didn't see him moving around down there so when I turned around and attempted to take a step away I ended up tripping over the little bastard. I caught myself on the kitchen sink, but all day Friday: incredible wrist pain. I pushed on, wrapped my wrist up, put some ice on it, went to class. Came home and christ if it didn't swell up some when I wasn't looking. So, I had to say screw it and head to my terrible doctor this morning. He poked and prodded and bent, all the while I was telling him "THAT HURTS!" Didn't disuade him a bit. He slapped a brace on it, sent me across the street for X-Rays, I have to call him Monday. Monday. From Saturday. Weak. The smart money is on some kind of hairline fracture. The pain is so bad whenever I move that I can't do much of anything. Since I'm on the crutches, I can't even take more than 3-4 steps without incredible pain through my arm. That's added to the pain elsewhere. Painkillers are doing exactly nada. I intend to lay down until Monday watching Pete & Pete season 1 and probably some Clerks:TAS.