August 2006

Always on duty... -- Posted by OtterVomit on Friday, August 25 2006

DETECTIVE OTTER SOLVES THE JONBENET CASE We've all heard by now about this guy the authorities have apprehended from Thailand or where ever who is claiming to be the killer of lovely young JonBenet Ramsey. Clearly there is a point of contention in that Mark Karr was supposedely with his family in Atlanta or where ever on Christmas of 96 when JonBenet was murdered. However, thanks to NEW EVIDENCE which I discovered today (on DrudgeReport), I can now clearly say that yes Mark Karr was spending a loving Christmas with his family in Atlanta in 96, and yes he was also in Colorado on that Christmas in 96. How can one man be in two places at the same time? Easy. A transporter accident clearly seperated Mark Karr into two halves: one good and one evil! One having Christmas with the family and the other murdering! These accidents are noted by the evil half of a person appearing to be wearing awful make-up and exhibit strange lighting features upon their face. This brings me to my evidence. Observe: CASE CLOSED Now where do I get paid for this work of sleuthing?

-- Posted by OtterVomit on Monday, August 21 2006

OLDER I BECOME, BUT NOT WISER So who's dick do I have to suck to get a fucking job these days? Jesus fucking Christ, seriously just show me the cockfag I need to blow and I'll do it. What stupid fucking life lesson do I have to learn before this episode ends and the issue is resolved? For fuck's sake, you won't even hire me TO WASH FUCKING DISHES?? WHEN WILL THIS SICK GAME END?!?? JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL I SELL A FUCKING KIDNEY AND GAIN TESLA-TECHNOLOGY ALLOWING ME TO SPLIT THE EARTH IN TWO! Fuck everything. Its becoming apparent that the world has decided that mine and Balcony's quest for employment is just going to be their sick little joke. Clearly I just need to go up to Illinois where me and Balcony will hang out in front of various establishments and sell his surplus pain pills while he stands silently draped in a trench coat and I yell out phrases such as "I'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!" Clearly these are the days of my life that later on I will refer to as "those years." GEORGE TAKEI STEALS THE SHAT'S THUNDER Tonight I had a pleasurable (although somewhat akward) experience of watching Comedy Central's Roast of William Shatner. Now, under normal circumstances this would have been entirely pleasurable and not a bit akward except, for reasons previously discussed, I'm a fucking pauper who is totally destitute and as such I don't have cable TV. Thus I went to my mother's house who insisted she watch it with me. Most of the roasters seemed to be old Star Trek fans and were more content to take major shots at the other actors, while taking it easy on the Shat. Jokes about Betty White's pussy and "assholes so big that George won't even have to spit on his dick" made for a wonderful bonding experience between me and my mother. In fact, the Roast was filled with a nonstop parade of utterly filthy jokes, which is fine by me as I have about as much class as a transexual child-molester dressed up as Santa at your local mall for you know what reason. Most of the filth centered not around The Shat but around George Takei and his preference of penises over vaginas. Takei himself clearly should have been -or maybe should become- a stand-up comedian, as his bit was so outrageous that even the ShatMan himself was left with his mouth hanging open. "If I had a partner that sucked as much as you do, I would never leave the house!" Other highlights include: Farah Fawcett self destructed during her bit as she was clearly blasted out of her mind on booze, drugs or both. Even George Costanza couldn't save her. Betty White can still bring the funny after all these years, although hearing her say cockring will probably alter me forever. Andy Dick did a pretty good Spock but is still a fucking junkie. Nichelle Nichols took several needless racial jokes very much in stride. Some of the clips of Shatner singing in the 70's were new to me, which is amazing becuase I haven't seen any unseen Shatner footage in a very long time... William Tiberius Shatner isn't done being fellated by Hollywood just yet. He's got yet another True Hollywood Story coming up, some sort of TV Guide article, a biography, and one other celebrity fawning thing.

I wish my brother George was here. -- Posted by BalconyDive on Tuesday, August 8 2006

You ever injure yourself and have no idea how? Some time Saturday night, while under the influence of over the counter sleeping pills, I must have done something to my ribs. Left side, half way down. Jeez-um-crow how it hurts. And it's only gotten worse since. You know what it feels like? It feels like I just went two out of three falls with Bruiser Brody who beat me two in a row with that damn knee drop. Fucking hell. Starting last night I couldn't move and breathing hurt. I ended up slicing up one of my few remaining analgesic patch things and sticking it to my chest before taking more sleepers than usual so I could live through the night. My life is difficult and I demand pity!