SAINT GERMAIN PUTS ME TO WORKI've always wanted to be more involved in my dad's work as an entertainer and now I am getting that chance. This is the time of year when my father markets himself as much as possible and there's all kinds of shit going on. Designing gimmicks, putting together music and sound, stuffing envelopes, putting together booklets and I think I'm going to re-design his webpage too.
Jewtik will be happy to know that John Lennon's "Mind Games" is one of the happy little songs played in the new pre-show package.
Also Mr. Saint Germain may be coming to a tv screen near you at some point. Hollywood producer Mark Waxman (who seems to be most known for inventing "Beakman's World") called and is putting together what he called "The American Idol of Insane Stunts" and some of dad's stuff seems to qualify (Dart of Death, Cup of Pain as well as blindfolded driving).
JOE THORNTON ESCAPES!
A restless gorilla broke out of its Boston zoo enclosure Sunday injuring a 2-year-old and a teenager before it was sedated and recaptured almost two hours later, according to zoo officials.
The gorilla escaped from the Franklin Park Zoo minutes before the zoo was scheduled to close, according to Zoo New England CEO and President John Linehan.
The gorilla injured the young girl and an 18-year-old woman almost immediately after escaping, Linehan said. A witness told police she later saw the gorilla sitting at a bus stop on a street near the zoo.
"Needless to say, until further notice, he is not going to be on exhibit," Linehan said.
HONOR THIS REQUEST PLEASE
A strict Muslim who slit his daughter's throat because he believed she had become too Westernised pleaded with a judge yesterday to sentence him to death.
When Abdalla Yones learnt that his 16-year-old child, Heshu, had begun seeing a Christian teenager he stabbed her 11 times. After breaking down the door of the bathroom where she had barricaded herself in, he slit her throat leaving her to bleed to death.
Yesterday, as the 48-year-old Kurd was sentenced to life after becoming the first person in Britain to admit an "honour killing", the policeman at the head of the investigation, Commander Andy Baker, warned anyone who carried out a similar murder - whatever religion they were - would suffer the severest penalties.
With an estimated 12 such deaths in Britain last year, Scotland Yard vowed to seek out those who collude in covering up for the killers. Police are considering such prosecutions in Heshu's case. "We will not tolerate it, neither should any community," Mr Baker said.
Revealing pictures of the "bright, vibrant" teenager who was killed, Mr Baker added: "The haunting video images of Heshu Yones put a face to a crime that has, for too long, been shrouded and obscured by fear of cultural reprimand."
| Truth does not exist, But the lies do. -- Posted by Balcony on Thursday, September 25 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 Wanna know a secret?Insomnia SUCKS. I've officially slept like 6 hours in the last 2 nights. I blame the drugs. And by the drugs I mean my not having any. I'd take a long hit off a crackpipe if I thought it would give me eight hours of straight sleeo right now. Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports. Detroit: 9, Boston: 0. Wait, lemme say it again, it feels so good. Yzerman & The Redwings: nine, Thornton & The Bruins none. To quote Mr. Bill Goldberg: "Who's next?!" Shit man sign me up Oh how I wish I was on this show. I may hate reality TV but damned if'n I (and everyone probably reading this) ain't perfect for it. I kinda wonder exactly what they plan to do though. It's not like following losers around with a camera would be interesting enough to make people watch. I bet it's a scam...they try to motivate you or something DAMN YOU MTV! DAMN YOU AND YOUR TRICKERY. Alright this sucks and I quit. But I leave you with a movie recommendation. 100 girls. Despite what reviews say it's actually quite funny.
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| -- Posted by OtterVomit on Tuesday, September 23 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Much like Balcony seems to often do, here it is 2 am and I find myself wide awake. Sitting here playing the beloved Eastside Hockey Manager, I have come to realize that I have an amazingly deep relationship with the New York Rangers over the years and I am constantly amazed that no matter what the vengeful hockey gods keep throwing at me that my loyalty to this shell of a franchise has never waivered once. Consider this presentation of The New York Rangers, then (years ago) and now: THEN
NOW
Ah I could go on, but what's the use? Suffice to say that all I am really looking forward to as a Rangers fan is the rise of HUGH JESSIMAN! He will be the new Messiah!!
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MARK MESSIER Upon coming to the Rangers in 1991, Mark Messier (who was considered old even back then) redefined the identity of the Rangers. No more were they content to wallow in the cruel 1940 curse. Suddenly they weren't afraid to hope to succeed. Messier was fast, physical and performed miracles at will.
ADAM GRAVES Came to New York as a part of the Edmonton "let's all go to New York and get paid and win a cup" movement. A fiesty little guy with a big heart on and off the ice. Adam has been described in print as "quite possibly the nicest human being to ever walk the Earth." His work with charities was legendary. He put off greiving the death of his son to play in crucial Ranger games. Set a new Rangers record for goals in 1994 with 52. Always let it be known that being a Ranger was very important to him. He cried when he was traded to San Jose.
MIKE RICHTER Not highly touted by scouts originally, Mike Richter turned heads after bursting onto the scene in New York. He was known around the world for his insane work ethic. In his prime he was considered one of the top 3 goalies in the world. Set just about every Ranger goaltending record there is. His performance for team USA in the 1996 World Cup is regarded as the greatest performance by a goalie EVER.
CRAIG MACTAVISH Came to New York in 1994. Now coaches the Edmonton Oilers. MacTavish was the last player in the NHL to not wear a helmet. Played with a lot of grit and heart, and was a faceoff specialist. He won the crucial face off in game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals that hammered the nail in the coffin of the Vancouver Canucks.
JEFF BEUKEBOOM Hard hitting, mean defenseman that protected Brian Leetch for years. Beat the shit out of everyone that got near him. Knew his responsabilities as a defenseman and allowed Leetch to feel comfortable skating around with the puck. Had his career cut short by a concussion in 98. The Rangers are still looking for a suitable replacement.
ERIC LINDROS A player I have hated for years, Lindrool is a never ending soap opera on skates. Lindros came to the Rangers after a big whiny bitch-fit with the Flyers. One hit away from becoming a vegetable, Lindros avoids contact at all costs and is a shadow of his former self. He brings shame and dishonor to the Rangers locker room.
PETR NEDVED Another player I have hated for years, Dedved came to the Rangers originally in 95. He was scorned and despised by Mark Messier for his preference of style, partying and leisure over hard working hockey. He was booted off the Rangers but then came back in 98! ARGH!! Affectionatly known as "Boo-ved" by fans at MSG for the noise they make whenever he touches the puck. He also brings shame and dishonor to the Rangers uniform.
BOBBY HOLIK Another fuck I hated for years, Bobby Holik spent the better part of his career on the New Jersey Devils causing the Rangers problems. Then he opts for money over team loyalty and winds up here. A loudmouth prick who never shies away from shooting his mouth off to the media about his team-mates. Always makes it sound like he's doing everything right and everyone else is the reason for any problems. He taints the Rangers with his Devilishness.
VLADIMIR MALAKHOV Once a dreaded Islander, this idiot got traded around quite a bit before landing in Montreal. Once there, he missed a big chunk of time with a supposed knee injury. Once he was caught at a ski resort enjoying some time on the slopes, his life became in danger from the enraged Montreal hockey fans. So he was traded to the Rangers where he now rots and takes up space. Can't he just vanish or something?| I want so much more -- Posted by Balcony on Monday, September 22 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
 It is now Monday Morning, around 2:00 a.m. (central time). I'm...awake. I'm very damn awake. I'm also bored. I should be unconcious what with my having things to do tomorrow. Things which require sleep beforehand. Instead I'm watching the end of Silence Of The Lambs. So, I figure, may as well do the update I planned to do later today now, then I can be bored with nothing to do then. Joy.It Starts Dominik "The Dominator" Hasek steped into an NHL crease for the first time in 13 months Sunday and came up with a 5-3 loss. Already the idiots have come out in droves to make it be known that they believe he's "lost a step" and to make sure I and other Wings fans know that he "Sux!!11!!" now. To all these people I say fuck you. We shall see soon enough who's holding Lord Stanleys magnificent cup come next summer won't we. Just don't be shocked when there's yet another shot of Steve Yzerman handing it to Vladimir Konstantinov to hold high above his head surrounded my a mob of red and white! Ah yes, I've properly diluted myself now. Let's move on. I told you so! I've been saying for years now that cats are evil beings. Now there's actual scientific proof that they make otherwise normal people crazy. Ho ho yes! You doubted me all this time and now I've got all the scientists of Maryland backing me up! Thing's are starting to make a little more sense in your life now aren't they? Maybe next time you'll all believe me without dragging the scientists of Iowa or Nebraska into things. Hmmmm What are the chances this is real? About the chances this is real you say? Yeah you're probably right. Someone who's not me should keep an eye on that though. Just in case. Alright, our man Vomit just made me want to watch Batman so I'm gonna call it a day with visions of Colts Wins and Packer losses dancing in my head.
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| Neah-ha He-Man!! -- Posted by OtterVomit on Sunday, September 21 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| ALL STOCKED UP ON CRAZIES HERE I suppose now that I have the time and motivation, I can be a little more precise to all of those who have shown concern for recent events. It would be easiest to explain by unveiling my RECIPE FOR INSANITY Insert 1 extremely unstable, co-dependent 4 year long relationship in which guilt is the primary source of motivation and elements such as "affection" and "understanding" are foreign. Let it be known that leaving said relationship would be impossible due to interdependencies and expectations, as well as the sad fact that it is still more fulfilling than previous relationships. Add 3 years of working in totally despised environment. Remind that leaving this job would not be acceptable or possible. Add 1 part of lost job. While the immediate sensation of release and freedom is soothing, anxiety and anger soon take its place. Add 1 part "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. Make it clear there is no hope for salvation of the relationship, only to retract this later. Mix 1 bipolar disorder causing extreme mood swings based upon the surrounding environment. Let stew until extreme agitation occurs. You should now have 1 very crazy individual. AREA 51 TO REMAIN SECRET Invoking national security, President Bush has renewed an exemption allowing the Air Force to keep mum about top-secret operations at a southern Nevada base. Bush's memorandum said it was of "paramount interest" to exempt the Groom Lake base about 90 miles north of Las Vegas from disclosing classified information. Also known as Area 51, the mysterious base sits on a dry lake bed and is heavily patrolled. The area is in a no-fly zone. The secrecy has fueled speculation about UFOs, aliens and other strange occurrences around Area 51. Residents of the nearby town of Rachel say the UFO talk began years ago when a Nevada Test Site worker claimed he saw alien ships there. The government has acknowledged the existence of the installation but has not disclosed what it does there, further fueling the UFO lore. The state got in the act in 1996, officially naming a 98-mile stretch of state Route 375, which runs through Rachel, the Extraterrestrial Highway and erecting green highway signs with images of spaceships WHITES HAVE RIGHTS Lisa McClelland says she isn't a racist. She says her campaign for a Caucasian Club at her California high school is a move toward diversity, not bigotry. McClelland's ethnic background includes American Indian, Hispanic, Dutch, German, Italian and Irish. She says she and her friends feel slighted by other clubs at Freedom High School in Oakley, such as the Black Student Union and the Asian Club. McClelland says she's collected 245 signatures of support from students, adults and others since announcing her plans three weeks ago. One person who won't be signing up is the hypocritical Darnell Turner, first vice president of the local chapter of the NAACP. Turner says he thinks the club will create racial tension. As if the NAACP hasn't been doing that for years. WHY RELEASE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE? Pedophiles are to be electronically tagged in the UK for the first time in a move that could prompt a revolution in the treatment and monitoring of sex offenders. A British company is to hold talks with Ministers in the next few weeks with a view to launching a Home Office-backed trial involving between 100 and 500 child sex offenders. It is also talking to government officials in the United States, Italy and Ireland and is to tag a number of pedophiles who have volunteered to wear the first electronic device made specifically to track pedophiles. Civil liberty groups expressed deep concerns last night. 'If they have been released, they should be free to live their life in liberty. This muddies the waters between guilt and innocence,' said Mark Littlewood, campaigns director of Liberty. Until now the technology to constantly monitor offenders has been suspect and pedophile experts have expressed fears that it did not allow for instant communication with offenders, which they say is crucial if it is to stop paedophiles reoffending. My question is, why the hell does someone who poses a risk of "reoffending" get released in the first place? I mean, maybe after a proper castration or something I could see it...
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| Imagine you're a deer -- Posted by Balcony on Saturday, September 20 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||||
 This just in, every single person who talked like a god damn pirate at me today needs to die. Thank you.Yeah...well...shut up! So's I got this in my email inbox today from a Mr. Jay Ktik: Have you been watching TV at all in the past month or so? Every OUATIM To which I reply with...'no'. I honestly haven't seen a single commercial for Once Upon A Time In Mexico since it came out last week. All I've seen was the press touting Johnny Depp as some new found star which is what promted me to make such a statement as 'who went to see it because of him'. Hell I love Johnny Depp personally, Edward Scissorhands? SWEET! Donnie Brasco? Fuhgettaboutit! A Nightmare On Elm Street (1)? Cuh-lass-ick. So to all I offended by making such a statement...sorry? Ghost-lush George The Ghost enjoys a good beer every now and then. Has there ever been a cooler ghost that wasn't actually some old guy in a mask being chased around by a dog (or dogs), a stoner, a fat chick and a preppy couple? I think not. Damned media's always one step behind MSNBC has recently 'broken' the news about Bit Torrent being used to download Television shows from "the `net" in a SHOCKING, I say SHOCKING, expose. I must say they seem to get the facts straight. Sadly they list specific torrent download sites so now the RIAA or MPAA or some other 'AA' can get them shut down, or at the very least have massive people bog down the servers so that'll be fun. In other news I have every aired episode of Invader Zim for sale on DVD and soon (next week) will have Dead Like Me and possibly Andy Richter Controls The Universe for anyone interested and if I get desperate, The Oblongs.  Three hundred BILLION dollars! The NHL lost a sum worthy of a Dr. Evil ransom ransom last year thereby throwing any hope that there may not be a salary cap as of next year straight out the window. It's been fun boys and girls, but it's all gonna change. At least for some teams. I'm gonna go watch my newly acquired (and listed  ) P.C.U. DVD.
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| My ego likes when you rub like that. -- Posted by Balcony on Friday, September 19 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
 I'm bored and the update I just did sucked so I figured I'd throw another bit of suck as a footnote, but not, to stroke my ego. Deal wit' it.I made this In a blatant attempt to one-up everyones favourite Jew. And I wanted to link it because it's ever expanding and you should keep track of and worship it. Im expecting everyones favourite Ninja to make his and make me AND the Jew look like fools. Everyone should bug him about that.
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| Limited Edition -- Posted by Balcony on Friday, September 19 2003 | ||||||||||||||||
 JimmY DirtnaP: since hak was quoted in a keyboard conspiracy update, i demand the same treatment.You demanding fucks. Johnny Depp Signs for 'Fear and Loathing' Follow-Up Movie hunk Johnny Depp has signed to star in a follow-up to hit film Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. Depp will join Fear and Loathing co-star Benicio Del Toro, Josh Hartnett and Nick Nolte in The Rum Diary - based on another of cult writer Hunter S. Thompson's hit novels. The film, which will reunite Johnny and Benicio on screen for the first time since the 1997 comedy, will also be directed by Puerto Rican-born Del Toro. Depp currently has two box office hits in release, Pirates of the Caribbean and Once Upon a Time in Mexico. Honestly now...why? Can't we leave well enough alone? And who went to see Once Upon A Time In Mexico because of Depp? Robert Rodriguez and Antonio Banderas made that movie a success. By the way, that movie KICKS ASS. If you haven't seen it, see it. If you have seen it, see it again. Pissing off X-ians JESUS DIARY IS 'UTTERLY STUPID' SAY CHRISTIANS Oh yeah, I want it. I'm heading to Borders tomorrow. Ban The Bible? I don't see a reason why not. Hmmm I don't know why but the case of the West Memphis 3 has been getting quite a bit of press recently. There's a new movie being produced. A book, which came out a year ago, that's been being talked about. And more than a few celebrities chiming in on things because...well they're annoying celebrities and that's what they do. Being swept up in the whole thing I rented the sequel to the (great) documentary "Paradise Lost" entitled "Paradise Lost 2: Revelations". I'd never seen it before. It's quite shocking how much Damien alone has grown up in the last five years. I've never questioned the innocence of these boys so I figured that while people are talking about it I'd do the same and call attention to the documentaries (the second one's on DVD, available through Netflix) for anyone who's never seen them. Also...is it just me or do Damien and our own Otter Vomit look alike? Dickhead How much would you pay for a Penis plate?
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| When it rains it pours -- Posted by OtterVomit on Thursday, September 18 2003 | ||||||||||||||
Checklist for the last month: Lose job....check. Lose girlfriend....check. Lose house.....check. Get commited to mental asylum....check. Escape from asylum and shack up with dad....check. GET GLORIOUS REVENGE ON THE WORLD....in progress. *thumbs up*
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| -- Posted by OtterVomit on Friday, September 12 2003 | ||||||||||||
 DEATH GOES ON A RAMPAGE Johnny Cash - Johnny Cash, a towering figure in American music spanning country, rock and folk and known worldwide as "The Man in Black," has died, according to hospital officials in Nashville, Tenn. He was 71. "Johnny died due to complications from diabetes, which resulted in respiratory failure," said Cash's manager, Lou Robin, in a press release issued by Baptist Hospital in Nashville. John Ritter - John Ritter, whose portrayal of the bumbling but lovable Jack Tripper helped make the madcap comedy series Three's Company a smash hit in the 1970s, died of a heart problem after falling ill on the set of his new TV sitcom. He was 54. Apparently he died of an undiagnosed heart condition. Harry Goz - Cartoon Network announced that film, stage and voice actor Harry Goz passed away recently at the age of 71. Goz was presently voicing the character "Captain Murphy" in the popular Adult Swim series "Sealab 2021," which airs Sunday nights. It has yet to be released who, if anyone, shall replace Goz's role. And Balcony can kiss my ass for updating at the exact same moment as me.
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| Just go back to bed now -- Posted by Balcony on Friday, September 12 2003 | ||||||||||
I woke up this morning, and things started going downhill from there. I'll save you all the gory details and get to the two big things. I fired up Opera and watched the MSNBC page load. The first thing that caught my eye was the followinf sidebar headline: Actor John Ritter dead at 54 Upon seeing that I looked a bit higher and saw Country legend Johnny Cash dies Just turn around and go back to bed, nothing good will come of today
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| I don't see the sun much these days. -- Posted by Balcony on Friday, September 12 2003 | ||||||||
will.....bug you about it until you do. *sigh* Yes, my master. And just so everyone knows, I now hate him (more) for forcing me into this. But, much like KISS, I can't dissapoint all of my wonderful fan. However this request does kinda put me in an odd position. What am I to update about? WHAT? I ASK YOU?! This is like telling Alexander Grahm Bell "Go invent". Without telling him WHAT to invent he's just gonna be all flustered. That's where I am right now. No idea what to update about, flustered. So crazed with insanity I am that I just compared myself to Alexander Graham Bell!
Alright, I've done my time. Next time harass vomitman 
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ICurbPeople
*sigh* Lesse, lessee, lesse. Alright, I got something.
School sucks, Life sucks, I'm getting pretty sick of being here.
So by now you've noticed the sweet images in this here post. "What are they?" You ask yourself, scratching your chin confusedly. "Do they mean something?" You quizzically wonder while slowly rubbing your own leg in a nervous gesture. "Is it important?" You whisper while wishing you had some mashed potatoes. | Oops -- Posted by OtterVomit on Friday, September 12 2003 | ||||||
 Almost forgot to make a 9/11 update. Eh well there's not really much I can say that some sappy TV package couldn't, so...yay America! OSAMA TAPE? Come on now. Now we have a video of Osama bin Laden released on this 9/11 anniversary? The purpose, of course, is to give heart and encouragement to the Islamic terrorists in their quest to kill as many Americans, "wherever you find them," as possible. Just one question. If Osama bin Laden is going to have a little promotional video tape produced, why not insert just one little item in that tape that would absolutely prove that it was of current vintage, not just some file footage saved by some sycophant. I think he's dead. It would be so easy for them to prove otherwise, and they haven't done so. It's a shame. It would be much better if he were alive so we could find him and kill him.
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| -- Posted by Balcony on Thursday, September 4 2003 | ||||
Real update later, maybe, don't push your luck. Until then this is far too funny to not call attention to: "As black men we should be building a nation of strong black leaders, not a nation of super energized, drunk pimps." DAMN YOU NELLY! DAMN YOUS!   Breakfast of champions?
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| *plays taps* -- Posted by OtterVomit on Wednesday, September 3 2003 | ||
 MIKE RICHTER RETIRES A BRILLIANT CAREER COMES TO A SAD END One Stanley Cup, three NHL All-Star appearances and 15 seasons later, Mike Richter is finally calling it a career. Eh well it isn't as if most Ranger fans didn't know this was coming, but it is still sad to see the greatest goalie in Ranger history to be forced out of hockey as Richter is right now. Last season, Richter suffered a concussion on November 5 against Edmonton and was sidelined for the rest of the season. He still has yet to show any improvement from his symptoms which include disorentation at times and nausea when he exercises. Reports say he can't even pick up his children without almost falling over. Richter backstoped the Rangers to the Stanley Cup in 1994. He also won the All-Star MVP award that year, as of now he is the last goalie to accomplish that feat (hell they each only play one period in the all star game and usually allow 6+ goals: Richter allowed 1 on 20 shots). Richter consistantly provided solid goaltending for Team USA in international competition. Richter helped the U.S. to the silver medal at the 2002 Winter Olympics. He also played in the 1988 Olympics, and won the MVP award in the 1996 World Cup of Hockey in what many regard as the greatest goaltending performance in history. On Jan. 18, 2001, Richter set a Rangers' record with 272 career wins, bettering the mark previously held by Ed Giacomin.  Elect me or I'll kill you.
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| Hey little bird, fly away home -- Posted by Balcony on Wednesday, September 3 2003 |
 Is it just me who thinks it, or is Tom Waits the one true God? Think about it, get back to me.So? Did you miss me? I didn't! Turns out OtterMack likes dead weight and decided to give me update access to this here site too. Then I was told by both he and everyones favourite cheese named ninja that I should actually update. I laughed, but then decided to give it a whirl. Mostly this is to appease the two of them as they seem to actually care even a little if I bother with this for whatever insane reasons they have. The rest of you can go straight to hell! You hear me?! HELL! ...alrightie then, let's get this goin here now then yet. Darren The Theo Turns out Darren McCarty is all about the substance abuse. This is the part where you act shocked. C'mon it'll be fun. No longer content with regular on ice fights Darren has plans to outdo Theoron Fleury this upcomming season and fight not only the San Jose Sharks mascot but also get a piece of that dog who had his tongue ripped out last season and even see how many of the Carolina Hurricanes cheerleaders he can take out in one swipe. LET'S GO RED WINGS! In Other News Join the stupid fantasy hockey thing. Even if you don't know anything about hockey. Join to learn about the sport (through horrid trades where Vomit takes advantage of you then laughs about it to Shuffles). Join to have something to do for 20 minutes on your lunch break at work (setting and resetting lines, making trade offers FUN FOR THE FAMILY!). Join because if you don't join this dog will die! You don't want that on your conscience do you? The sign up info is below. More Hockey! Pretty sure Hockey is the real sport of kings. Anyway This chick isn't too far off. Manny Legace is gonna be the next Ken Dryden...after the lockout... Life goes up...Life goes down Inasfar as personal stuff goes. I, meaning me, am starting school (if you can call it that) Monday. After extensive loans to actually pay for it and put me in debt for the rest of forever. Why this school you may be asking? The answer(s) is(are) simple, a) it's close 2) no english/math/other useless classes III) job placement afterwards. I'll keep you posted on how much it sucks! And don't think I missed the coincidence of me officially being a student again the same week Violentvomit gets fired for...being him basically... Well...let's us call this a...thing...that's done...I have DVDs to make and people to suck up to. Go listen to Tom Waits and pretend you never saw any of this.
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